Wednesday, January 18, 2012

offensively blunt advice column




Well,
Polly Perimenopause reared her ugly head again last night
and I didn't get to sleep until 4:00 this morning.

DANG YOU, POLLY!!!!


I'm not kidding you when I say that I flopped around in
bed like a fish out of water trying for hours to get to sleep.
Then I got up about 17 times to read/watch TV/knit/mop/calk the tubs.

Ok, those last three things aren't true.


So in my reading,
I came across one of those sections in all magazines
where people write in to ask questions.

May I just pause to ask you,
who in the world would write into a magazine for advice?

Have you no friends?
Have you no mother?
Have you no shame at all?

Well, I decided that I would answer the questions right here,
for you all to enjoy.

Sit back, let's tackle this together.

Oh and I should say in advance that I do feel deeply convicted
that I should instead be sharing with you some very
spiritual insights that the Lord revealed to me in the wee hours.
But, I got nothin'.

So, here we go with my other idea:

Question #1:
"My husband thinks Valentine's Day is a fake holiday, and it hurts my feelings that he doesn't get me a card or make dinner plans. How can I convince him to celebrate?"

Lori's Advice:
"Okay, seriously? Get over yourself, girlfriend. Valentine's Day IS a made up holiday. Put on your big girl panties and quit your whining. Buy yourself your own dang card." Gentlemen, you're welcome.

Next.

Question #2:
"Is there a polite way to tell the person next to you on a plane that you'd really rather not chat?"

Lori's Advice:
"Yes, say this... "I'd really rather not chat with you."

It's not rocket science.

Moving on.

Question #3:
"My friend feeds our dog from the table when she comes over for dinner. How can I tell her to stop?"
Lori's Advice:
I see a thousand different angles to this, one being...umm, don't have your friend over for dinner...or... maybe, put your dog outside during dinner...or.... I don't know, TELL HER TO STOP.




Alright, that's it for now.
See how easy that was?


Maybe I'll start my own advice column right here.
I'll call it,
"Lori & Polly's Offensively Blunt Advice,
Yours for the Asking."



But I insist on only answering questions after
a sleepless night, when I'm good and bitter.




Ok so, who wants to be first?







20 comments:

Karin said...

Bahahaha...you crack me up! I am so with you on the Valentine's day thing. UGH. I don't even like the colors. Who ever decided that red and pink go together? They DON'T. I think it's a dumb holiday but I will dutifully get my valentines for kids and hubby so they don't think I'm the only person in the world who doesn't like LOVE. Sheesh....

So sorry about your sleepless, night. :((( UGH. Get some Alteril. It really does work! (And you're welcome for that advice--'cause YOU have friends.)

The Thomasson's said...

Oh my goodness!! So funny!

ourchinagirls said...

I love your sense of humor! Okay here is my question.

Dear Lori,

I have a blog that I started so I could share what is going on at our house with family and friends.
Most of the time I feel like I am just keeping a journal. How do I get people to leave comments so I know I am not just talking to myself!!!

Signed,
Is anyone out there?

Debby said...

So funny Lori!! And Valentine's Day....around here we call it my birthday, the day we never go out to eat because everyplace is so crowded & every other woman in the world gets a present from her sweetheart, but since I don't have a sweetheart, I get nothin....unless I buy it myself.....
P.s...kids on day #5 of being home...yea for school tomorrow....

Erin said...

ha!!! I love #3. YES!
do start a column. I'll ask the next question.
hmmmm...
Lori & Polly,
I had a stick of lip balm I really loved. One day when my husband had chapped lips & I gave it to him to use. Apparently he loved it, too. He "borrowed" it for days & then left it in his pocket, and it went through the wash. I loved that balm & now it is gone. What should I do?
Sincerely,
dry lips

Holly said...

Oh my word.....Have you ever thought of honestly writing for money, girlfriend????? LOL!!!!

Sean and Lisa said...

LOL! You are a riot!

patty said...

bahaha! Hey, it's perfect for our book....duh!!! Offensively blunt advice for the adoptive family!

judy said...

Love your advise , my 14 year old says you sound like me .. by the way when I started having those sleepless nights , I went out and got tylenol pm , advise from a friend ( I have some ) ..works like a charm , I am thankful to say . I take it if I wake during the night , right back to sleep .

Tesseraemum said...

HA! You are Hi-Larious!!

I think Polly has been visiting our house too. I'm ready for her to leave. My question is how do you get a houseguest who has overstayed her welcome to LEAVE?!
Watch the tyl pm It has the opposite effect on me. Freaks me out!

Madeleine said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

You sound like you are from Jersey.

Where the state quote is: Grow a brain, genius.(another word for moron)

I, also have had late night dates with Polly. I am trying to figure out who on earth invited her.

I got nothing.

There are those times, at 4+a.m. I tell myself, oh, maybe I can sleep late tomorrow, say , like, 9am!!! I can be civil with 5+/- hours sleep!

NOPE.

6:30, my body WAKES ME UP!!! Dumb body.

Well, my friend. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. ( for the record, that is the dumbest saying. What if it kills us??!!? and what if I don't want to be stronger, but just want to survive. Or sleep?) Or GOD give us the grace to walk this journey. Because we need as much grace as we can get.

Chris said...

Got my laughs for the day...Polly has been sneaking around at my house too..doesn't she know I'm waiting on a 2 year old to come home I don't have time for that stuff!
Guess I'll take my knitting to bed..think the night light will bother the log truck that sleeps next to me?

connie said...

bahahaha. You don't seriously know Polly till you've sweat all night long - ugh! Or how about this: sweat a while, freeze, then sweat some more, freeze...
Ah, never mind!

Laurie said...

Hahahahahahahahaha! I love stopping by here daily! But when Polly rears her head..... We are in for a treat! There's no stopping her or you is there? Love the advice column idea.

Loren said...

When my mind is racing or my dear husband, the Incredible Bulk, is keeping me awake with his thrashing and snoring, I take melatonin. It really helps me get to sleep but there's no carry-on effect to the next morning.

Faye Verquer said...

BENEDRYL...I take it every night, I use the kids liquid because it works faster and just a household tablespoon...in 20 minutes you will be off to dreamland and sleep soundly! Its a WONDERFUL THING!!!! Its what is in most sleep aids but if you dont need all the other "junk" in them then why take those? Get generic at Walmart its under 4.000 for a huge bottle! Sorry Polly for taking over your advice column!!

However, I love valentines day so much that we got married on that day!!! NOT for the Valentines effect but because I wanted that day to be special!!! We never get to celebrate it on that day though some kid always has something going on!!!

Faye

Anonymous said...

LOVE IT!

Jean said...

Hahaha!
The kids just asked what I was laughing at and I'm reading your blog!! (and forgetting to feed them lunch- all at the same time talented? yes, I know!)

This is good- this needs to be a weekly column!!

The airplane one- answer the question, don't offer any more words than necessary and don't ask any questions... then fake your asleep!

Jo's Corner said...

Dear Lori...and..ummm "Polly" ~

If you think "Polly" is bad, just wait 'til her sister, "Molly" arrives!!

Now..for MY advice! I do not know what "Alteril" is, but from the name, I'd say that it is possibly "mind-altering"! Buy yourself some Black Cohash, Girl! I take it religiously and NO MORE HOTFLASHES!

As for the Tylenol PM..that is tylenol with benadryl (also known as dipenhydramine), so don't take tylenol pm AND benadryl, you'll overdose! Go with the Melatonin, 3-6 mg. one half hour before bedtime!

Valentines Day. Most HORRID day of the year, especially if one is NOT dating, married, a Mother or in Elementary school where there is a party! Not that I would know anything about the above! ***I weep as I pass the Valentines Day cards in the store!***

Now for MY question. I would like to take up some form of exercise. As an amputee and being in a wheelchair, my options are limited. What are your thoughts on Jump roping?

Hugs ~ Jo

David and Janet Hurley said...

Polly--so THAT"S why I've not been sleeping well!
Love the Valentine's day answer! I told DH 23 years ago that if he ever bought me jacked-up-price rosed, I'd kill him! I don't even like roses. And there are always things that are higher up on my list to spend money on--then something dying!
I don't have shame, don't have a mother, and only a few friends that GET my life---so you're advice is welcomed and wanted=)

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