ask lolly

It's time for another edition of

"Dear Lolly"

**I actually found this question in a

"Your relationship questions answered" column in a women's magazine.

And as you will soon find out, based on MY reply,

I didn't even bother to read what the columnist's answer was.

Heee.

Q:

I lost my job in the fall, and I've been squeaking by financially,

just barely covering my bills and paying rent.

My mom is putting a lot of pressure on me to move back home to

save money,

but I'm to old to live with my mother...I'm 30.

Help!

My dear jobless friend,

First of all,

you're 30 years old, which is...adorable.

But honey,

at 30, you don't have the sense God gave a fence post.

So let me explain what your mother's offer really means:

Breakfast in bed every morning.

Shopping every day.

A generous allowance for merely unloading the dishwasher once a week.

And being tucked into bed every single night,

complete with a snack and a new magazine.

You see,

once you and your siblings all moved out,

your mother morphed into an entire new creature.

And moving back home would enable you to full reap the full benefits of that.

It's the beautiful circle of life.

So my advice to you is to run, don't walk...RUN to your mother's house.

You will thank me later.

Or something like that.

Love,

Lolly

lolly and polly

Ya'll are gonna wanna hop
over to
The Lolly and Polly Show.






*In case you are confused (as I always am),
my Lolly/Polly personality has evolved into an entire
website with my friend, Patty...who is now known as Polly.
Got it?

ask lolly {part two}

For Part Two of Lolly's Advice-of-the-Day,

you first MUST go read my friend Patty's blog.

YOU MUST GO READ IT!!

This won't make any sense if you don't.

So, go read it...
then jump back over here.

I'll wait.


*whistle whistle*

***

*crickets, crickets*




Ok, did you read it?


Here's my response to her question:

Dear Crazy Mama,

Words escape me.
Answers elude.
Solutions seem distant.

Teen girls are beyond what this Lolly-gal can explain.

All I can tell you moms out there is,
send your daughters to this post (and Patty's) and let them see
how ridiculous they look in their self-portraits.

Love,
Lolly



Oh and what Patty forgot in her gallery of
teenish photos was the,
photoshopped-heart-frame-around-the-face poses.
So I thought I'd just go ahead and post those here.
But I don't know how to do that electronically...
so I just did it the old fashioned way.

You're welcome.


For your continued viewing pleasure...



And just so you know,
Patty and I have a special project in the works.

You'll want to stay tuned for that here in the near future.

My work here is done.

lolly's advice-of-the-day (part one)

Lolly's Advice, Part One
**Warning**
Sarcasm will be present in this post.
Put on your sense of humor hat and sit back and enjoy.

Diane said...

As a 40-something single mom of 4 adopted kids, how do I respond to my mom when she expresses disapproval when I accept a new foster baby? I know she is worried about me taking care of myself, my kids, and my existing commitments, but it is so hard to fear and then hear her worries and admonitions.

Dear Diane,
Umm, errr, well, ummm... You're single? And you have four already? And you're taking a foster baby? You're a WAY better woman than me. I am leaning towards you're mama on this one, so sorry. I got nutty when my hubby works late and I have to try to minimize the level of craziness at the dinner table, in his absence. I go from, "STOP IT RIGHT NOW OR YOU'RE GOING TO BED RIGHT AFTER DINNER!!" to...."Oh, you're throwing your peas at your sister? Whatever. I don't even care."
So. If you can handle it, go for it! Foster care is so desperately needed! But, don't do more than you were called to do. Oh and make sure you read the book, Kisses from Katie. It will inspire you and make you realize that ALL that you're doing, ain't nothin' compared to Katie. And you'll either press on...or, throw in the towel completely.

Love,
Lolly

***

Ironsan said...

My husband is always losing things. And the he is always looking for things..... with his mouth. You know..... "where is this?", "where is that?". I hate helping to look for his things. It is a daily event and even though I usually know where the stuff is without looking, it bugs me. How can I get him to look with eyes and not just his mouth?

Dear Ironsan,

Umm, errr, well...are you new in this marriage thing? Because ummm, that sort of thing just isn't going to get any better. A man is incapable of seeing his hand in front of his face. So, just buck up and be his little helper. He needs you. It's just easier that way than trying to fix him. Trust me. Make him as dependable on you as you can. Then, the controlling is much easier.

Gee, I sound like a socialist president I know of.

Love, Lolly (the staunch conservative, in politics only)

Part Two will be posted later today.

Trust me, you want to come back for Part Two.

ask lolly

Hear ye, hear ye!

It's time to break out your questions for Ms. Lolly.

She's got her PMS guns in her holster, ready to draw.

All lines are open.

Ask away.

*For any newbies here, Lolly is me, Lori, along with my perimenopausal pal (me, with raging hormones), Polly. Hence, Lolly. Lori + Polly = LOLLY Get it? And Lolly just loves to give advice, blunt and sarcastic advice. It's a public service, of sorts. You're welcome.

Post questions in comment section or shoot me an email. loriatjoyunspeakable@yahoo.com

ultra-limited closet {and, dear lolly}

Dear Lolly

Who is Lolly?
Lolly is a combination of me, Lori, and my
perimenopausal personality, Polly.
It's weird, I know.
But Lolly gives good advice, so just sit back and enjoy.


Dear Lolly,
Who will you vote for in the election?
Mom/Gramma

Dear Mom/Gramma,
You really don't want to open this can of worms.
Lori/Polly/Lolly
will likely share with great fervor her strong opinions
on this at a later date.
But until then,
let's keep peace around these parts for as long as we can.
Though, I suspect most of you would agree with me/Lolly/Polly.
Cause you're smart that way.
Love,
Lolly


*Please forgive my out-of-control font issues.
It is, out of my control for whatever reason.
****

Dear Lolly,

I am in need of a new refrigerator..... I really want the French door kind....I had no idea they were like a thousand dollars more than the side by side....what's with that anyway? My hubby doesn't get it... Do I hold my ground on the French door kind or cave in to another side by side??? Also, are you a fan of the ice and water on the door??? Some of these refridgerators are so "fancy" these days!!!!

Mary Kate

Dear Mary Kate,
I have no idea what you mean by French doors on a refrigerator. I'm a simple girl from the heart of the midwest. I do not know of what you speak.
But, here's my infamous (butt-cheek-ridden) fridge...

I love it/hate it. No, I don't hate it at all.
I love it and am so thankful for it!!
But I do deeply resent the stainless steel on a regular basis.
But still, I'm so very thankful.
Keeping it clean is a pain...but it's better now that I have
a good grasp on how to clean it (about 7 years since purchasing it).
I love the freezer on the bottom. Love that so much.

So anyway, Lolly would definitely say that when it comes to major purchases like this,
get what you can AFFORD. Defies the American way, I know.
Although really, what's wrong with just a mini-fridge in your closet?
Wait, what?
I digress.
Get the fridge that best meets the needs of your family and
your budget.
And if it's got some style, then all the better!




That brings me to:

My closet, which, by the way, has a mini fridge in it:
Fan-say!

It's a very sad sight, isn't it?

The mess, I mean.
This is the wardrobe of two people.
Husband and me.
All seasons, winter, spring, summer, fall.
So be it.
Truly, I'm very thankful for my teeny tiny closet.
It keeps me in-check with reality.
Or something like that.
But the bigger issue is, in less than a week I'm getting new carpet in this little
area and I need to clear it out. And I am DETERMINED to downsize.
I am working on setting some sort of limit on my clothing items.
Say,
10 t-shirts (which I wear ALL the time)
5 pairs of jeans (which I wear ALL the time)
5 nice things for church
And that's all.

Seriously, I would love to simplify that much.
Maybe I will!!

How 'bout you?

Do you have an ultra-limited closet?

Tell me all your closet secrets and wildest closet dreams.

Go.


Love,
Lolly

Lolly's Advice {take it or leave it}

Now if your just now turning in,
there is a running-out-of-control advice column going here.
It all began with this post.
Go read it, you'll understand.


Here we go for more:

Dear Lori and Polly,
I've bought way too many books lately and run out of storage space for them.
I don't want to get rid of any. What should I do?
Hannah


Dear Hannah,
Excuse me please while I put on my sarcasm bonnet.
Let's see now,
here are the options that I see.

1. Put a moratorium on all book-buying.
2. Get a Kindle
3. Open a library

Love,
Lolly

****

Dear Lori and Polly,
What are the greatest ways to get people to leave comments on your blog?
Many people look at my blog, but don't leave comments!

Thank you for your help;
Hello Commenters



Dear Hello Commenters,
See this post.
There are brilliant suggestions that will
make all your wildest blogging dreams come true.
Love,
Lolly


****

Dear Lori....and ummm "Polly"

(For time's sake I'm jumping to the question part of
her comment)

Now for MY question. I would like to take up some form of exercise.
As an amputee and being in a wheelchair, my options are limited.
What are your thoughts on Jump roping?
Jo


Dear Jo,
I'm a bit worried about your warped sense of humor.
I can tell that we would be great friends because of it.
I do think you should use a jump rope
in your wheel chair...even if it means you make a lasso out of it.
I think that could come in very handy.

Oh and if you send me your address, I'd sure love to
send YOU a Valentine's card.

I love your fighting spirit and funny edge as you endure
this extremely hard season in your life.

Love you,
Lolly (mostly Lori)


****

Dear Lori,

Last night on the TV show The Middle, it was mentioned the neighbor boys would put their butt cheek prints on the windshield of a brand new car if you left it sitting in the driveway rather than put it in the garage.

I'm pretty sure the writers got the idea from your blog.

Have you considered having your boys patent their butt cheeks?

It would be a bum deal if they didn't get some type of royalties from it.



Dear Nancy,
This has me on red alert and I can assure
you that my entire legal team is working around the clock to
track down the writers of this show.

The butt cheek printing is patented and copyrighted
by the buns of my boys.
Thank you for your warning.

Love,
Lolly

get your free advice here!

Wow, you guys.

This advice thing is really something.

It's so nice to have my pearls of wisdom appreciated, finally.

I had planned to wait until next week to answer ya'll's* questions but one is fairly urgent
(when it comes to hair situations, I don't mess around. It's no laughing matter).
And another question that touched my heart so deeply, that I simply can't wait.

*I'm pretty certain that having two apostrophes in one word is incorrect.
But I stand by my decision to use it.

Oh, and I love, love, love, what Mom/Gramma called me...Lolly.
That may stick.
We may just call my new column,

Ask Lolly: Offensively Blunt Advice {my service to you}

That's a bit long,
but I'll work on it on tweaking it.



But I do know for sure that I'm legally changing my name to Lolly.



Before we jump into this,
I need to tell you something very questionable about me.

Last night,
around 10:00 right before heading to bed...
my bedtime snack consisted of
a salad and cereal.

Not even kidding.

That's all I'm going to say about that.



Oh, and lest you are worried about the suspicious
tea that ended up in my mailbox (see last post),
trust me, it really was TEA
from my darling friend/neighbor, Carla.



Alright,
so let's roll up our sleeves here.

(If I ever miss a question, please know that it is NOT intentional...
kindly remind me!)

Faye asked:
Lori and Polly, how on earth do you stay so upbeat and silly?!! I LOVE reading your blogs just for this very reason!! Keep it going!

Well Faye, It's either stay upbeat & be silly, or completely lose my mind.
The first two are much more fun.

Love,
Lolly

****

Dear Lori,
Should I be offended that my teenage girls never ask to borrow my clothes? Sincerely, Insecure in SC

Dear Insecure in SC Girl, it's time you go shopping and buy
yourself a mini skirt and Uggs. Then, guard your closet.
Love,
Lolly

****

Dear Lori,
Where does the weight go when you lose it? :D
Sincerely, Brittne

Dear Brittne,
Well, it's clear to me that all lost weight
has arrived safely on my muffin-top.
Thanks for that.
Love,
Lolly

****

Dear Polly,
My 3 teenage sons have morphed into children I do not recognize,
understand, or claim.
How in the world is a poor mother to survive this stage of
parenting without completely loosing her mind?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Give them crew cuts and tell them to go build a fort.
Love,
Lolly

****

Madeleine said:
I went to get my hair streaked. I have a little bit of gray
hair growing just in the frontish of my head, like a crown.
SO instead of starting to go with plan old dark brown
like the rest of my head, I decided to go to my hair dresser and
get it streaked gray.
Because I am a grandmother, and totally cool.
A great combination if I may so myself.
The issue? It turned out blonde. duh.
(Cont'd comment in yesterday's comment section)


Madeleine,
About 18 years ago I had someone ask me to do this.
It was a man who was going to his
high school reunion (or something) and
he wanted to look more distinguished.
Well, as a young hair stylist, I freaked out a little.
Mostly because it was a man.
Anyway, I politely turned him down
because I knew it wouldn't work.
And I kindly tell you the same thing.
Especially with your dark Hispanic hair...
even if you could get it bleached enough to get all the
color out of it, it wouldn't look natural.
Leave your streak blonde, is my vote!
And wait for the Master colorist, our Creator,
to give you the silvery crown you deserve, in due time!
Love,
Lolly


****

There are other comments/questions I will try to answer
later but I want to jump right to my favorite
one of all:

Dear Mrs. Lori,
First, I must tell you that I just LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog!!! :)
I love it so much that in my high school English class we had to write
a paper on if we could meet any living person who would it be and why,
well you and your family were the first people that came to my mind,
but I didn't want my teacher to think I was a weirdo,
so I didn't write about yall haha. I feel like I know all of you,
and I know my mom gets so tired of hearing about your blog because
I tell her things about it all the time haha. :)
anyway haha, my question....my senior year I made some bad choices and
got pregnant with the most wonderful precious BLESSING from God!
I love my little baby so so much!! :)
now I am so much closer to our AWESOME GOD,
I now know how important it is to date and marry Godly Christian men!!
But here is my problem, good Christian guys aren't really into girls with babies.
How do I get past the stereotype of being a teen mom and make
them fall in love with me haha!? :)
Anonymous



My Dearest Anonymous,
Are we friends on FB? Because your situation sounds familiar to me.
Anyway, I've really been praying since I first read your
comment/question.
I asked the Lord to give me five points of advice for you. :)
I hope that I heard Him correctly!!

1. Honor the Lord, and seek Him daily.
*Pray continually.
*Have a Bible reading plan.

2. Second only to God,
your baby comes next on your priority list.
*Pray over her.
*Read to her.
*Set a good example for her with your words, actions,
and by dressing modestly.

3. Make good choices in relationships.
*Surround yourself with growing Christian friends
who will lift you up and hold you accountable.

4. Find a Mentor
*Ask the Lord to bring you a mature godly woman
who you can meet with regularly.
*You may not always like what she has to say,
but trust her advice, as long as it lines up with the Word of God.

5. Put finding a boyfriend on hold.
*OK, I know that's not what you wanted to hear.
Who knows, God may have the very man for you,
just around the corner...but let GOD bring Him to you.
Your highest treasure is depending on you
to take care of her (your baby is a girl, right?) and fiercely protect her.
There is very little room for mistakes here.
Please know that waiting on the Lord in this area of
relationship is worth the wait, however long it is.

And one last thing,
if you ever need someone to talk to, you are more than welcome to call me.
I can send you my number.
I'd love to chat with you.

Love,
Lori

advice column, continued

First of all, I had a BEAUTIFUL night's sleep last night.
Oh, thank you, Lord!!

I am daisy-fresh and feelin' fine.


Your comments yesterday cracked me up.

And two brave ladies even put their questions out there for
my newly-formed advice column.

This sort of thing just feeds my soul.

Just ask anyone around me.
It is my joy to tell others what to do, how to think, and well,
whatever else I can think of to tell them.

Some people call that controlling.
I choose to call it,
Lori's Life-Tutoring Service.
World, you're welcome.


So here we go!


Dear Lori, I have a blog that I started so I could share what is going on at our house with family and friends. Most of the time I feel like I am just keeping a journal. How do I get people to leave comments so I know I am not just talking to myself!!! Signed, Is anyone out there?


Dear Is Anyone Out There,
If you're waiting for real life family and friends to comment,
forget it.
They are Creepers.
A Creeper is someone who goes online, searches you out,
reads all about you, examines your pictures.
But leaves no footprint that they've been there.
Creepers, they are.

But, complete strangers are almost always willing to
comment. I love complete strangers.
But you gotta prod them along sometimes.

Try these things:

1. Do a giveaway and require a comment to enter.

2. Do some sort of cooking post with lots of pictures...
you know, the kind with step-by-step photos.
As if anyone needs a pictorial on how to measure a cup of sugar.
But the people love that sort of thing.
And be sure to make a mistake in your cooking,
the people love to correct you when you're wrong.
That's a sure-fire way to get comments.


3. Write something really out-there...
people can't seem to stay silent when something is extrmeley funny,
or extremely controversial.
Especially the latter.

Well, those are a few of my tips.
Oh and I have also found that the more comments YOU leave
on others' blogs, the more likely someone is to
go read your blog.
Leave your footprint!

Love,
Lori and Polly


*************

Lori & Polly, I had a stick of lip balm I really loved. One day when my husband had chapped lips & I gave it to him to use. Apparently he loved it, too. He "borrowed" it for days & then left it in his pocket, and it went through the wash. I loved that balm & now it is gone. What should I do? Sincerely, dry lips


Dear Dry Lips,
I ask you with all kindness,
did you own the very last stick of this beloved lip balm
that existed on earth?
Can you not go...perhaps...BUY MORE?
Save your marriage from a bitter and dry-lipped argument
and run up to the Walmarts (or whatever fancy store you bought it)
and get yourself another one.
And get one for your hubby.
Write your names on them.
Don't share them.
And don't wash them.
Ever.

Love,
Lori and Polly







*To submit YOUR question,
leave it in the comment section.
I will answer in a post next week.
You've created a monster here, you know.