adoption from an adult perspective

To expand a bit on our trip to Seattle,
and to answer some of your questions...

here's a bit more:

Yes, the girls only spoke to each other in Chinese,
with the exception of when the moms
were involved in the conversation.

Isn't that every teenage girl's dream...
to be able to chat with her friends openly without
Mom knowing what the heck they are
talking about?

The girls had a blast together but Macy assured
me that she was really happy to be home.
Love that!

I also wanted to talk a bit more about the adoption class
we went to, which was a panel of six adults who had
been adopted when they were young
(most were infants, one was a toddler).

It was REALLY good.
We were a tad fearful that we would walk away
depressed by negative stories
(which you can find a lot of online),
but it was quite the opposite.

Three of the adoptees were from domestic adoptions
and three were Korean.

A key element that they all zeroed in on was the fact
that it is SO important to keep the communications lines open
regarding their adoption.
Adoption was always a part of their life stories from the beginning.
Never did they recall a time that it was announced
to them that they were adopted or any new information that their
parents had withheld.
I think we all know how important that is
but it certainly helps to know that when we are talking
to our toddlers about being adopted
and they seem clueless as to what we are talking about,
it is in fact weaving a strong fabric that will later be
so essential.
And along those lines,
keeping our child's story consistent is also key, according to
the panel of adoptees.
Being honest is so very important.
That means when we don't know the answer
to a question about our child's life before us, just say so.
It's perfectly fine to say, "I don't know."
Don't make up
some flowery story in an effort to make them *feel* good.

They also said how vitally important it was for them to
be connected with
(even if it was just a couple times a year)
other adoptees, particularly with those who share their
heritage.

They also stressed that they deeply love their adoptive families.
So much so that each of them got very
emotional as they spoke of them.
It was deeply moving and very encouraging.

They shared with us moments of the discrimination they received
at various times
(interestingly, it was other Koreans who most often gave them a hard time).
They told little stories that stuck in their minds
of some of the very stupid things people would say to them.

Oh how people say STUPID things.

As much as we would like to believe it isn't going to happen
in our neck of the woods,
it will.
We gotta be prepared and help our children deal with that.


I suppose none of this is new information to those of us who have had
a good amount of education regarding adoption.
But it's very encouraging to have it reinforced and to know
that it really does make a difference.

I'll end my ramblings there.

Hope y'all have a happy Friday!

attachment at the beauty shop

As a spry 13 year old, I clearly felt the calling to be a hair stylist. Wow, big calling, I know. But actually, when God calls you to do something, it truly is BIG and He will use it for mighty things!

Little did I know, so many years ago, that my calling to do hair would go far beyond just adding a few $$ to our income. Wow, there was so much more that God had in mind for this little stay-at-home-mom/hairstylist!!

Macy loves for her hair to look cute...but she doesn't like to do it herself.

*Big ol' flashing light bulb*

So I have slowly transitioned her into letting me do her hair. I first suggested it nonchalantly because I didn't want her to think I was trying to change her or make her feel that I didn't think she was capable of doing it herself.

But she has quickly discovered just how glorious it is to have someone, not only style her hair...but to wash, dry and flat iron it. And I'm not talkin' head hanging over kitchen sink while mom pulls and tortures (does this ring a bell with anyone else's childhood but mine?).

I mean my girly gets THE WORKS. We scamper down to my shop and she gets to lean back and get a good head scrubbin' and relaxing style...right in her very own "salon" at home.

God is no doubt using this very calling that I heard a gazillion years ago, to serve my sweet girl and to build attachment in a very unique way.

Wow, I'm so thankful!!!

No pics of Macy (she strictly forbids the paparazzi from her hair appointments!) but here is a cute one of Lucy enjoying hers!

a simple glass of water

At-tach-ment, [uh-tach-muhnt], noun
What occurs between parent and child when a repetitive cycle of needs (physical, emotional, spiritual) are met.

Ok, that wasn't Webster, that was me. But I think my definition pretty much sums it up, right?

There. That was easy.

Oh, if only making it happen was as simple as defining it.

I pray constantly that Lord will show me new ways to build attachment with Macy. Little ways. I really love all the little ways I can meet even her smallest needs, over and over and over.

One thing she loves to do every night is take a HOT (listen, I mean really HOT) shower. Who can blame her? From what I understand there was NO hot water to shower in at her orphanage. Not even in the winter. Did you hear me? NO HOT WATER.

Anyway, after her shower every night she crawls into bed, waits for Lucy to go to sleep then turns on her little book light and reads, late into the night. Love it!

Well, one night before heading to bed she got herself a glass of water, drank a little then set it on the counter and headed to the shower. I thought that was odd since I knew she wasn't coming back into the kitchen...but yet she ALWAYS puts her dishes in the dishwasher when she's done.

*Light bulb moment*

It suddenly occurred to me that this poor girl stays up late...and is probably thirsty (and hungry for that matter) some of the time but she NEVER has the courage to come get anything from the kitchen that she may need/WANT once she is in bed. Even though I've told her that this is her house and she's free to do that. And most certainly, living in an orphanage, that wasn't ever an option.

From that night on, while she is taking her shower, I now fix her a glass of ice water (and usually a small snack) that I leave on her nightstand so that when she crawls into bed with her book, she can enjoy what the rest of us take for granted, a simple glass of water. And never again go to bed thirsty. Ever.

Another small need met.

And a little tiny bit of attachment occurs.

building attachment

So many of you have asked about our little
electronic translator. Click HERE for more information
about it!
It works OK...meaning, the translation isn't always that
great. In fact sometimes it is downright off.
But we've learned to keep our words simple (and
not using adjectives helps, which is extremely difficult for me!).
For your Chinese child to use it, he/she really
needs to know Pinyin (Chinese words written in the English alphabet).
There is also an option for them to write
characters on the screen but we've found that Macy
gets frustrated with that (and she's actually very good at
her characters).
Your child will also need to know characters in
order to read the words that you put in.
Does that make sense??
If you have any more questions...send me an email.

I have heard from so many of you that our experience
is proving to be very helpful to you for your
own upcoming adoptions.
So I will continue to share with you the day-to-day
stuff...I sure hope that doesn't bore the majority
of you. :)

One thing I've briefly mentioned before and
simply can't emphasize enough is
the huge difference in an older child vs. a little one.
Some things are obvious (duh),
but what is always on the front of my brain is
how great it is when you have a little one that the
hour-by-hour opportunities that present themselves
to develop attachment (diaper changes, baths, feedings, etc.).
Those things are almost non-existent with older children,
especially a teen.
It is so vital to LOOK for and MAKE opportunities to
promote attachment.
It's so easy for us to let Macy sit on the computer,
talking to her friends (which is wonderful),
but she tends to get lost in it.
I feel so mean but I often make her get off because
I recognize that in those moments we really
need to be doing something to draw us together.
And honestly, sometimes I just don't feel like it... sometimes
I just want to get lost in something else myself.
But, time isn't on our side...
at age 13 (almost 14), we need to seize every moment.

We try to play a lot of games
and I also try to DO a lot for her. It's kinda
backwards since usually we try to get our teens to
learn to take care of themselves but I think it's really
important for Macy to see that we are here to nurture her.
So, even though she's super good about
cleaning up after herself (I certainly don't want her
becoming lazy!), I like to wait on her a lot...such as,
getting her a snack, drink...bringing her her translator, etc.
It's those little things that all add up after a while.
But again, you have to LOOK for those moments.

TONS of little steps will hopefully lead us to a strong
attachment.

Oh and I keep nagging her to let me TRIM her hair!
She needs it badly plus, golly gee...Mama's a hair stylist
and I want to do something slightly different
with her hair!
She's probably envisioning me giving her a
perm and highlights and is scared to death.
Poor girl.
But really, me doing her hair would
be such an attachment-builder!
:)



Also
(completely unrelated),
many of you have commented and emailed
about the dog issue.
Ahem,
Brenden has barely mentioned it since
our long-distance conversation.

And besides,
we already have two very-ignored dogs.

So, I don't see a Hondo in our near future.