Monday, August 1, 2011

a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

Where do I begin?


It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Well, not everything was quite so let's start with the good stuff.
My dearest husband and blue-eyed baby boy came home today.

Oh happy day!

I am not cut out to be a single parent.
High-five to those of you who pull this stunt off because,
it ain't easy...or fun.

And as a quick side-note, I need to tell you that
K-man and I somehow got to talking about how I never
laugh at his jokes anymore.
And I said,
"Well, when was the last time I got a, Bahahaha, out of you
over one of my blog posts?"

To which he said,
"Well, honey...they just aren't that funny."

And he expects me to laugh at his jokes that I've been
hearing since 1984.


And so the marital strife begins.

It's been a good run until now.

last night I noticed that my chicken herd seemed a bit thin.
Not thin, as in...skinny in stature.
Believe me, they are well-fed.
I mean thin, as in...someone was missing.
I counted.
Counted again.
Counted once more.

Then I couldn't remember how many I started out with in the first place.

I asked Macy....and according to her, we were indeed missing a couple.

I was upset.

Then...this afternoon...I got alarmed because I didn't see Chippy.
My most favorite rooster on the planet.

I came inside, made sure the kids were all accounted for.
*I do know that I have six of them*

...then headed back outside.

And counted.

And looked for Chippster.


He was gone.

Then I noticed this....


In various parts of my yard.


And on the verge of tears, I realized that something had
gotten about 5 of my chickens.

Chippy, a beloved nameless Feather-footed hen,
and a few other hens who had no significance to me because


I was livid.

I went in and told Macy.
*(she's my go-to girl)*
She was upset too.
But only because I was.
She's very sympathetic that way.

So we both went out to try to get the rest of the chickens
to safety.

She chased them around the yard with a stick.
I laughed.
And we tried to lure them with bread.

Nothin' doin'.

Chickens are stupid.

I love them dearly...but they are stupid.

So anyway,
I told Brenden about my fiasco and he immediately
armed himself and went outside.
Testosterone runs thick around here and any chance
for a male in this house to use a weapon,
they will jump on the opportunity.

He sat posed to pick off that pesky predator.
Whatever it was.
(fox, coyote??)

Don't let this little smile fool you.
He wasn't like,

No, it was more like,
"You take my picture and you will die."

I took his picture.
I didn't die.

He came up empty handed.

I was disappointed.

I wanted revenge so badly.

So then I went outside to do whatever I could do.
I was so mad.

Nobody messes with my children or my chickens and gets away with it.
Especially my chickens.
Just kidding.

Just ask my kids, my husband, or any of my four sisters,
you don't want to cross my path when I look like this.

But nothing crossed my path.
I was ready to take down an African lion, single-handedly.
But nary a kitten made an appearance.

So I wish I had some sort of epic-heroic ending to this story.
But I don't.

That's it.

The remaining chickens are in the safety zone now.
And Zeke is strategically placed to guard them.

The end.

I will be looking for your sympathy cards in the mail.



Jennifer said...

Oh no! I'd be bawling...cause I'm a huge baby like that..even when they're chickens. :( I hope you figure out what it was and teach it a lesson. ;)

Karin said...

Oh no...I am SO SORRY. That's awful. I hope you can catch whatever is getting your chickens. :( I had to smile at the pic of Brendan. My boys would be doing the EXACT same thing. In fact, Ryan went to my sister's (90 min. away) to sit out in the dark waiting to shoot the animal that was getting her chickens.
And tell K-man that *I* laugh quite often at your blog posts because the ARE funny!!! And I don't dish out compliments all that often so he should be on notice. :)

Madeleine said...

Oh Alexander...that indeed is a stinky day.

Though your son...i think i gave birth to his twin. I SO can see samuel doing that too.

Your poor children. I mean chickens. You have my sympathy's. Probably as the same level as Macy's.

But in the end, at least you got your beloved back!! <3

Hezra said...

Oh, I am so sorry!! I feel awful FOR you. Poor Chippy.... he had his whole life ahead of him. With eating, mating, eating.... pooping.... mating and eating and did I mention mating?? Poor Chippy. I hope you find the terrorist. ANd that tomorrow is a better day. Is this why your hens were hiding and acting weird the other day?? Mine are going in to bed before dark these days and I am trying to figure out if there is something out there looking longingly at them.

Joanne Reddell said...

What a sad, sad, very sad day! I'm sorry....

And just so you are SO funny and your blogs are EXTREMELY entertaining.....I don't know what K-Man is talking about!!! (And you can tell him I said so!)

Jean said...

FYI- Ya better start laughing at those jokes of his!!
Ya , I know ya hear them all already but laugh none the less!

The chickens - so sorry about the 5 missing little ones!
And.. as for Chippy, I have already observed a moment of silence!

I am certain that none of your four sisters what to cross your path nor does your very very very nice friend from MN!

On top of that - I think your hysterical!

Marie Gates said...

OWLS!!! The same thing happened to chickens when I lived on my farm. One time I had my nieced and nephews over to stay the night and when they awoke and looked out the upstairs bedroom window they came running and yelling to me. I looked outside and their were dead chicken carcasses all over. This kept happening even though they were caged in. We later found out from some old-timers that it was most likely owls. They said we needed to put an owl decoy on the highest point of our coop. It did work!!!!

Musings from Kim K. said...

How awful!! I am SO SORRY for your feathered losses. I hope you (and your army) can catch whatever is getting your chickens.

PS. Your blog posts are hysterical. I may not always comment, but I thoroughly enjoy them.

Gretchen said...

Oh, Lori, I am so sorry about your chickens. I will be waiting to see what is actually getting your chicks. Should be a great post!

And you make me laugh too.

Nancy said...

So sorry to hear about your chickens. And I think you are hysterical. You make me laugh all the time. btw that book is one of my favorite kid's books.

Shonni said...

I was so upset last year when a fox got half of our flock! And most of those where babies!
Good luck killing the offender.

Kathy said...

I am so sorry to hear about your chickens.
That is just awful!
Our area is considered a Wildlife Preserve.
Game and Fish wouldn't do anything to help
with our bobcat problem since he hadn't
attacked a person. Ugh! Just several dogs
including our little Sassie who didn't make
it. :( One of our neighbors paid a company
to capture and remove the bobcat who
attacked their dog also.

I'm with Jean no matter how often you hear them.

You make me laugh!

megadog said...

What's going on? We need to find the chicken killer NOW.
Good think you've got Brendan to keep everyone safe. Can't wait to hear the post when you catch the culprit.

Adrian Roberta said...

Oh I'm truly sorry something out there found your babies 'finger lickin' good'

My cat was somthing's lunch too last year *sniff* the joys of country like living girlie.

You are a hoot, your hubby needs to have his funny bone checked (-:

Anonymous said...

So sorry abou your chicky babies!:( And you are not a funny blog writer you are HILARIOUS and I love to check out what you have to say.

Matilda Joyce said...

I'm sad for you and laughing at the same time.

Chrissy said...

I'm laughing because I have so been there. About 10 years ago I had to babysit my dad's chickens when he was out of town. There were 4 or 5 special little chickens that had their own special little cages. Those cages were not weasel proof. I woke to bloody chunks of chickens and feathers all over the chicken house. It's funny now but DISGUSTING at the time. I also can't believe you have 4 sisters. Me too! Any brothers? We do not, just 5 girls.

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